"Être Epouse ton, O Jesus, Carmelite be, be by my union with you the mother of souls, this should suffice for me ... it is not so ... Without doubt, these three privileges are my vocation, Carmelite, Wife and Mother, yet I feel me in other vocations, I feel the vocation of warriors, priests, apostles, DR, martyrs, and finally I feel the need, desire to perform for you Jesus all the more heroic works ... I feel in my soul the courage of a crusader, a Pontifical Zouave, I would die on a battlefield to defend the church ... I feel in me the vocation of priests with what love, O Jesus, I carry you in my hands when my voice, you will descend from heaven ... With great love I'd give to souls ... But alas! while wanting to be a priest, I admire and envy the humility of St. Francis of Assisi and I feel the vocation of imitating him in refusing the sublime dignity of the priesthood. O Jesus! my love, my life ... how to combine these contrasts? How to achieve the desires of my poor little soul? ... Ah! in spite of my littleness, I would like to enlighten souls as the prophets, the sages, I have the vocation to be an apostle ... I would walk the earth, preaching your name on the ground and planting your infidel glorious Cross, but, O my Beloved, one mission is not enough, I would simultaneously announce the Gospel in the five parts of the world and even in the remotest islands ... I would not only be a missionary for several years, but I wish I had been since the creation of the world and be up to the end of time ... But I want, above all, O my Beloved Saviour, I would shed my blood for you until the last drop ... The Martyr that is the dream of my youth, that dream has grown with me in the cloisters of the Carmelite ... But then again, I feel that my dream is folly, for I can not confine myself to desire a kind of martyrdom ... To satisfy me, I need them all ... Like you, my adored husband, I would be flogged and crucified ... I want to die like St. Bartholomew robbed ... Like St. John, I would be plunged into boiling oil, I would undergo all the tortures inflicted on martyrs ... With St. Agnes and St. Cecilia, I have my neck to the sword and like Joan of Arc, my sister honey, I would like at the stake whisper your name, O Jesus ... In thinking of the torment that will be shared by Christians at the time of the Antichrist, I feel my heart tremble and I like that these torments are reserved to me ... Jesus, Jesus, if I wanted to write all my desires, I would borrow your book of life, there are reported the actions of all the Saints and these actions, I would like to have done for you ... O my Jesus! to all my follies will you respond? ... Is there a soul more little, more powerless than mine! ... But precisely because of my weakness, you're pleased, Lord, fill my little childish desires, and you want today fill other desires larger than the universe ... A prayer my desires making me suffer a true martyrdom, I opened the epistles of St. Paul to seek some response. Chapters XII and XIII of the First Epistle to the Corinthians fell under my eyes ... I read in the first, that not all can be apostles, prophets, doctors, etc ... that the Church is composed of different members and the eye can not simultaneously be the hand ... The answer was clear but did not fill my desires, She did not give me peace ... As always Madeleine stooping to the empty tomb finally found what she wanted, and, stoop to the depths of my nothingness I rose so high that I could achieve my goal . Not to discourage me I continued my reading and relieved me this sentence: "Look hard and the most perfect gifts, but I'll still show you a more excellent way." And the Apostle explains how all the most perfect gifts are nothing without LOVE ... What is Charity EXCELLENT WAY that leads surely to God. I finally found rest ... Considering the mystical body of the Church I had not recognized any of the members described by St. Paul, or rather I wanted to recognize all ... Charity gave me the key to my vocation. I understood that if the Church had a body composed of different members, the most necessary and most noble of all that was missing it, I realized that the Church had a Heart and that this Heart was burning with love. I understood that Love was only acting members of the Church, that if Love ever became extinct, the Apostles preach the Gospel and martyrs would not shed their blood ... I realized that the LOVE INCLUDING ALL Vocations, that Love was everything, it works ALL THE TIME ... AND ALL THE PLACES IN A WORD, IT IS ETERNAL! ... So, in excess of my delirious joy, I cried out: O Jesus, my Love ... my vocation, at last I have found, MY VOCATION IS LOVE! Yes ... I found my place in the Church and that place, O my God, you who have given me ... in the Heart of the Church, my Mother, I will LOVE ... so I'll be all ... and my dream will be done! ... Why talk of a delirious joy? No, this expression is not fair, but rather the peace and serene quiet of the browser seeing the light that should lead to the port ... O Lighthouse light of love, I know how to reach you, I I found the secret of appropriating your flame. I'm only a child, helpless and weak, yet it is my very weakness that gives me the audacity to offer myself as a victim in your love, O Jesus! Once the wafers were pure and spotless only approved by God Strong and Mighty. To satisfy Divine justice, it was perfect victims, but the law of fear took over the law of Love et l'Amour m'a pour choisir Holocaust, moi, faible et imparfaite creatures ... Ce choix n'est-il pas digne de l'Amour? Oui, pour que l'Amour soit satisfait pleinement, il faut qu'il s'abaisse, et qu'il s'abaisse néant jusqu'au feu en ce qu'il TRANSFORME Nothingness ... "(Ms B, 2v-3v)
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